D/s - Fixed, Flexible and Fundamental

I believe it is very important that some things be made clear early in the life of this blog. One of those things is the breadth of the concept of Dominance and submission (D/s). It's more than just BDSM. I will be talking about sexual fantasies, romantic roleplay and fetishes here. But I think it's important for us to realize that D/s dynamics permeate our lives. If we fail to realize that, then we leave the things we discuss regarding D/s and BDSM in the bedroom and miss out on what they have to offer in the rest of our lives. Here's what I mean.

All relationships involve Dominance and submission. They all include power negotiations and levels of control or influence. This happens from our earliest relationships with our parents on through to siblings, friends, teachers, pastors, enemies, bullies, bosses and co-workers.

In the beginning, we are submissive to our parents. We learn the nurturing, caring side of Dominance, the Domimant role of providing for and looking after the submissive. It is a place of security, affection and warmth. As we grow, we learn the discipline side as we are trained, corrected and encouraged in the right direction by our parents. As we mature, more responsibilities and expectations are placed on us and greater consequences result from our mistakes. Hopefully then, as we learn, we gain a greater love for and security in life from our parents' influence.

From then on, as children and on into adulthood, we form relationships based on concepts of boundaries, right and wrong, Dominance and submission, that we learn from our parents. Different relationships work out in different ways, but there are always decisions to be made about where we will go and what we will do - whose agenda will rule the moment or the day. These are negotiations of Dominance and submission that we carry out otfen without even realizing it. They manifest themselves in different ways and are more pronounced in some relationships than others. I refer to them as Fixed and Flexible.

FIXED - This is the easiest way to see and understand Dominant/submissive dynamics in our everyday lives. Certain relationships exhibit a fixed D/s structure. I call these strongly Dominant/submissive relationships. Some are this way by design and are dictated by societal expectations, tradition and formal or institutional relationships.

These include our relationships with teachers, judges, parents, employers and others who have vested authority in our lives. They also include relationships with students, waiters, employees, children and others who are under our care, financially obligated to us or in a service role of some kind. I call these D/s structures Fixed because they are clearly defined and operate on a certain set of rules and expectations. In general, power flows one way and does not alter its course. One person dictates the other's behaviour and that person is expected to submit, to serve, to listen, to obey.

Fixed D/s dynamics also show up in less formal situations. These occur simply as a natural outgrowth of the personalities involved the the relationship and the goals and desires of each person. Between two friends, there may be one who tends to abdicate to the other or one who tends to dominate the moment. Even among a group of friends, often a leader may emerge. Depending on the group or one-on-one relational dynamic, this may be seen as one person "worshiping" or "idolizing" the other. In some groups, the dominant leader may have a "lap dog," a member of the group who is particularly focused upon and "under the spell" of the leader.

Often, these relationships happen among children and teens and are very obvious and even manipulative. While these are not necessarily healthy dynamics, with one person often able to lead others against their own desires, beliefs or boundaries, they do express a natural human tendency toward the distribution of power.

They can also be quite healthy, as a child or teen finds an admirable person to emulate who has a strong positive influence. These relationships can be like mentoring relationships, often with an older and more experienced person as what I will call the Dominant friend.

This dynamic carries on (whether we admit it or not) into adulthood as we develop our social circles in much the same way we did as children and teens. This is often done less obviously as our adult selves have learned to negotiate dominance on a more subtle level. But, as we try to fit in at our local church or impress (or undermine) our new boss, we are constantly making decisions about who has the power in our lives and who we will seek to have power over.

It must be noted here that seeking to have power, authority or influence is not a bad thing. It is not always a matter of manipulation, though we often think of it in that way. Seeking to be a good influence on those around us or to take under wing someone who needs guidance are ways in which we seek to have influence. They, for the most part, are beneficial and not harmful.

How ever we experience them, fixed D/s dynamics are sprinkled throughout our lives, sometimes in relationships that we have perhaps never seen in that light before. They can of course be manipulative and even abusive. They can be less than enjoyable but necessary and they can be beneficial and loving. But they are there, no matter who or where we are.

FLEXIBLE - The flexible category may be harder to spot. It exists on a sliding scale from Flipped to Fluid.

FLEXIBLE (Flipped) - This is the simplest form of Flexible D/s. It happens when a relational dynamic shifts power completely from one person to another from time to time. In the early days of Christmas celebrations, there were large parades and parties in the streets. During this festival, often servants and Masters would switch roles for the day, allowing the underling to be in charge. It was a way of promoting peace and fun. In a similar way, some D/s relationships switch. My best example of this is lovers who incorporate D/s play into their love life. As a treat or after winning a bet or something of that nature, the woman may get to tie the man up for a change or vice versa. Or, a relationship between two "switches" (that is people with both Dominant and submissive tendencies) may incorporate occasional and carefully negotiated or spontaneous and unpredictable shifts in power. This may depend upon arranged timetables or code words or simply the prevailing moods of those involved.

We also see this dynamic in a tribal setting where the leader may be challenged by a member of the tribe to a game or a fight with the winner obtaining the leadership role in the tribe. It also happens on a team of two or more where more than one member has a plan for achieving a specific goal or for running the group. If one leader is unsuccessful, he or she may abdicate to another group member who has his or her own idea.

In all these situations and others like them, power shifts completely from one person or group to another, elevating the submissive to Dominant status or vice versa. This is usually a temporary or occasionally renegotiated arrangement, but can result in a permanent shift in power.

FLEXIBLE (Fluid) - This category has, as I mentioned, a sliding scale of power exchange. It may be as simple as teamwork in which one person's aptitudes give him or her dominance for the duration of a particular task or challenge while another person is seen as more fit to lead another challenge. Such negotiated leadership roles occur frequently in business. ("Okay, Jim. You know the structure of our presentation. You give the formal outline. I'm good at getting people fired up, so I'll do the glad-handing and take over when it's time to ask them to invest.")

As you can easily imagine, there are many levels at which Dominant and submissive roles are renegotiated, running all the way up to what most would see as an egalitarian dynamic, where no one is particularly in charge. Here, Dominance and submission happen almost moment by moment and can shift in either direction. (Either, "Hey, let's go to a movie." "Okay." Or "Hey, let's go to a movie." "Nah, I'm not really in the mood.") In an egalitarian structure, each person has the opportunity to set the agenda for the day, the moment or the conversation at any given time or to reject the other's bid for Dominance or submission.

The most counterproductive example of this type of relationship I can think of is that of the two little cartoon chipmunks who each constantly try to give deference to the other: "After you." "No, after you." "No, I insist; after you." "No, I insist; after you." And on and on it goes. Interestingly, in this example both parties are seeking to get their way, but each is trying to serve the other. That's another post entirely.

FUNDAMENTAL - The point is, whether they are Fixed or Flexible, Dominant/submissive dynamics are Fundamental to human relationships. Every day we choose to serve others or to lead others - to lead by serving or serve by leading (that's another post too). We choose to serve God or our own interests.

Ultimately, Dylan was right when he said, "You Gotta Serve Somebody." No matter what the state of our interpersonal D/s dynamics, our primary D/s relationship is with God. And He'd better be the "D". If we are submitted first to Him, we will be seeking to love others whether we are Dominant or submissive and that is the point after all, isn't it?

Letter From Sean

As I mentioned in my introductory post, I will be responding to questions here on the site as I receive them in e-mail - that is, when the sender is comfortable with it.

As I seriously doubt I have any readers at this point, it feels a bit premature to be responding to e-mails already. But, I just got a note from a friend of mine that he and I both thought would be a good impetus for a post. I'll call him Sean.

Before I get to his letter, let me give you some background on Sean. He's a submissive young man who has been serving as his Mistress' slave for nearly five years. They have a platonic relationship in that they are friends who engage in a Dominant/submissive dynamic with no romantic or sexual overtones. That may sound odd to some of you, but I can assure you it works well and suits their friendship. Anyway, here's what Sean had to say.

i'm having a problem with Mistress. Well, not a problem, really. Just a sort of concern, i guess. Things are going well in O/our friendship. She's been though some hard times lately, but i think She's doing better now. But as Her slave, i feel...a little lost. W/we've always had a fairly loose exchange, not being able to be together in person as much as we'd like. But, as often as i've tried to subtly communicate it to Her, i just don't feel that She understands that i want Her to take more control.

i feel bad even bringing this kind of stuff up because, y'know, i'm always worried about not pushing Her. But here's the thing. i just don't feel like i have to obey Her. When i disobey (which is a little too often) i'm never, ever punished. She says She's going to, but it never happens. It used to, but that's been a long time ago. i don't know, maybe She doesn't know what to do to punish me, but it just seems that I get nothing but empty threats.

Then, when i am obedient, when i am consistent in the day to day stuff, i get no response. She doesn't say anything. i'd be happy just to hear "good boy" once in a while. In person, She's totally different, noticing when i obey and commenting when i please Her. Still no punishment. i tend not to disobey in person. >wink< style="font-weight: bold;">

Sean

He wrote more, but that's the thrust of it. Sean is dealing with a problem I think many submissives face. It's hard to know when you should communicate to your Dominant that you have needs that are not being met in the relationship. And yes - it is OK to do this! A D/s relationship is still a relationship. It needs the same kind of communication and maintenence as any other relationship. A common mistake among Dominants is to treat submissives (especially slaves) as if their needs and feelings do not matter or should be suppressed. At times, yes, the subbie needs to push past their own hang-ups and just do as they are told. But, as a general rule this kind of arrangement is not healthy.

What you're missing, Sean, is a clear system of discipline and rewards. your Mistress is making Her expectations clear, but seems to have a muddled follow-through. I know you two have been Mistress and slave for a long time (and friends for longer), but being far apart most of the time means that the growth of your dynamic can become somewhat stunted as you are often unable to give it focused attention. I think your Mistress just doesn't realize how much guidance you need. I think you respond well to a firm hand - a consistent tug on the leash to keep you in line or a treat to let you know you've pleased Her.

What you're looking for, quite frankly, is attention. This is not necessarily a bad thing. If you hog Her attention, if you make it all about you and your need to be seen and heard, you do your Mistress a disservice. But you do need a certain amount of consistent attention, some fuel for your subbie fire. you're a bit like a pet in that regard, trained by way you're treated. If discipline is neglected, disobedience becomes easier. If rewards and praise words are not given, doing right seems pointless. you need to know that you are affecting Her, that your actions have an impact on Her. Otherwise, you start to feel like a weird stalker or uninteresting project.

you know your Mistress better than I and you should have some protocol in place for bringing these kinds of issues to Her. If not, that's an issue in itself. To broach the subject in the beginning, you need to respectfully request a frank audience with your Mistress and tell Her how you feel. Do not be critical. Don't give Her a list of complaints and don't tell Her how to do Her job. Just explain to Her that if you have been displeasing to Her in any way, if your service has been lax, it's probably because of this issue. Let Her know that you will accept any response She wishes to make, that you are not trying to coerce Her one way or the other, but that you want to serve Her to the best of Her ability and you are merely suggesting structures that may help you to do that. you may even need to discuss what types of discipline actions are being employed and what else might be effective.

As far as communication goes, you need the ability to have an open channel with Her. If you do not, then the two of you need to sit down together and decide on a method. Perhaps you may have a formal request phrase like, "Permission to speak freely, Mistress," or "If it pleases You, Mistress, may i express a concern?" Or, perhaps your Mistress will choose to set up a regularly scheduled time when the two of you talk about your relationship and you are free to bring up any issues you may have.

you are not wrong to have these issues. you serve your Mistress well by making Her aware of them. How is She supposed to guide and train you if She is unaware of factors affecting that guidance?

In whatever way you need to, talk to Her. Do it respectfully. Maybe just show Her this blog post, but communicate your feelings. She loves you and wants the best for you. I doubt she'll turn you down.

An Introduction

BDSM. Those four letters alone mean that I have to designate this as an Adult blog. It's true that I am here to write about things that only adults should be discussing, but please do not misunderstand.

This is not a pornographic blog. I do not write erotic fiction. I am not here to discuss the racy details of my wild sex life. Sexuality will enter in to the discussion, to be sure. But that is not my primary focus here.

I'm here to explore themes of Dominance and submission in human relationships. That infamous acronym, BDSM, is an assemblage of letters with an unfortunate pedigree that, for better or worse, is intrinsically involved in this discussion.

All its variant meanings, "Bondage, Discipline and Sadomasochism," "Bondage, Dominance, Submission and Mastery," "Bondage, Discipline, Slave and Master," and many others do cover topics that I will be discussing here. However, I detest its use as an umbrella term for all manner of kinks and fetishes, ties and tortures, roles and relationships of certain persuasions. The reasons for this will hopefully be made clear in some posts to follow, though I will use the term as needed. We are, afer all, talking about things with which it is popularly associated.

But, doesn't the title of this blog say something about Christ? Indeed, it does - and I hope that is what has drawn you here. Christians all over the world are indeed involved with these things - be it through kinky sex, internet porn, unspoken fantasies, or in relationships (sexual or otherwise) with friends and co-workers.

Wherever they find expression for it, many Christians have a natural, human inclination toward Dominant/submissive play and relationships. This is healthy. This is not a sin. However, it is most often deemed to be perverted and unacceptable by Christian culture and teachings. This leads Christians to become ashamed of their inclinations and desires and to seek to fulfill them in unhealthy ways.

Wanting to give or receive spankings, to tie or be tied, to serve or be served - these are not sinful impulses and can, in fact, teach us much about a deeper Christian life and a deeper love for those around us. If you are a Christian who has these interests, this blog is for you.

You may have looked around and found other websites dealing with BDSM and Christianity. Some have condemned it, some have embraced it. I have seen them too and I've found the so-called "Biblical"arguments on both sides of the issue to be dishearteningly banal.

One side uses the Bible to repress, demean and ostracize Christians with healthy desires; the other side uses it to justify an obscene preoccupation with highly sexualized misogyny. This has gone on long enough.

I am here to offer a third way, a hopefully more balanced and realistic perspective that neither demonizes these lifestyles and desires, nor paints them as God's unbending plan for relations between the sexes. I am not a Biblical scholar, though I do take careful study of Scripture and am no stranger to the tenants of good historical scholarship, translation, exegesis and hermeneutics.

I do not claim to have it all figured out. I am still learning, as I fully expect I always will. But I am inviting you along for the journey. Perhaps we can learn from each other. My e-mail box is wide open to questions, comments and suggestions. I will be happy to respond to questions either in blog posts or in private e-mail conversations, whichever you are more comfortable with.

So, with that, I welcome you. I hope that my thoughts along the way can be helpful to you. As someone who has benefited greatly from his experiences with the Dominant/submissive dynamic, I know that it can be a rich and wonderful experience that glorifies and honors God. I hope you will find that to be true as well.