Principles of Dominance Part 1 - Communication

This series is not my attempt at setting a definition for all people, places and times of what good Dominance is. This is just what has worked in my experience. Please comment or e-mail with any additional thoughts or questions you may have. I would be happy to elaborate or discuss any of these things further by e-mail or in future posts.

There are five principles in this series, though if listed differently there could be more. Number One is:

1. Communication

Communication is a vital element of any relationship. In a Dominant/submissive relationship, however, it is the single most important element. That might seem an odd thing to say as our general tendency is to say that love is the most essential ingredient in a relationship. Remember, however, that love may not necessarily be a part of a Dominant/submissive dynamic. Certainly in our context here I am generally discussing loving D/s dynamics, but certain D/s structures (such as the military) do not necessarily include love.

Additionally, love is the under-girding or governing principle assumed when we are specifically discussing loving D/s relationships, but it is communication that makes a relationship a D/s relationship. In the Dominant/submissive dynamic, communication is not just the skills of listening to others and effectively expressing oneself. It is the basic rubric for the relationship. Without communication, Dominance and submission simply cannot exist.

For the Dominant, communication is an ongoing process that lies at the heart of Dominance itself. Quite essentially, Dominance is about communicating expectations to another in such a way as to compel the other to meet those expectations. In the basic structure of command/obedience, no one gets anywhere unless the Dominant is clearly communicating commands.

Of course, there is so much more that the Dominant communicates and many ways in which He or She does so. I will list a few as I see them.


Atmospheric/Environmental - These forms of communication are largely aesthetic in nature and do not always pertain to every D/s relationship. However, virtually all D/s relationships carry some form of this dynamic.

The environment a Dominant creates for a submissive might entail creating and decorating some dungeon or lair in which the Dominant wishes to be served. Lighting, furniture, wall treatments, floors and many other considerations may be under the Dominant's direct control. Other Dominants may use environmental considerations by selecting certain times and places, public or private, in which to meet with their submissive. These considerations can communicate volumes to a submissive without the Dominant saying a word. Depending on agreed-upon protocols, choosing a very public place may mean that certain formalities are done away with or that the submissive may be on display, even open to being given some embarrassing commands.

In a controlled environment, plants and flowers may communicate a nurturing dynamic. Harsh stone walls could communicate imprisonment or torture. At home, turning out the lights might put a submissive on guard or a Dominant Husband or Wife might choose to order the submissive partner to the bedroom to communicate an intimate encounter.

Additionally, how the Dominant presents Herself or Himself in dress, mood, stature and mystique can go a long way toward engendering the right attitude in the submissive. This may be especially emphasized by the Dominant's control of the submissive's attire. A Dominant in a suit or other "power clothing" might have a submissive wear raggedy shorts and t-shirt or nothing at all, implying a strong power dynamic that shows the submissive his or her place. These are just a few examples, but the idea is clear.

Triggers - These are very simple protocol tools that quickly and easily communicate common commands. Some may be words; others may be gestures or postures. "Here" might imply, "Get over here and kneel in this spot." The same might be communicated by a snap of the fingers.

A Dominant may sit with His or Her feet extended, implying a command for the removal of shoes or a massage. Putting a submissive in a certain position may be effective in "turning on" their submissive side, preparing them to serve. A trigger is essentially any established shorthand between Dominant and submissive.

Contracts - Some people use them, others don't. But contracts can be an effective way of communicating general expectations, limits of control, boundaries and conditions for ending or modifying a structured D/s relationship. Contracts are most commonly used between slaves and Masters to clearly establish consent and boundaries.


Of course, the most common forms of communication are the usual words and gestures we all use. As you will see, however, every other principle of Dominance I will be discussing here is a form of communication. The same is true of parallel principles of submission.

And that's an important element as well: Communication goes both ways.

I think a lot of Dominants are very interested in making their expectations clear to their submissives and that is very important. But one of the most important things a Dominant can train into a submissive is the freedom to communicate. A Dominant has to know how He or She is affecting the submissive. Many subs don't feel it's their place to "complain" or that their opinions are not important. But a submissive does a disservice to his or her Dominant when needs and feelings are not communicated.

Of course, the Dominant sets the rules and protocols, so it is up to Him or Her to create an environment in which the submissive is expected to bring problems or concerns to the Dominant's attention. Failure to allow for this - indeed to encourage it - is irresponsible. A submissive cannot be held responsible for not communicating when their Dominant has not given them the permission and expectation to do so. See my post "A Letter From Sean" for a real life example of communication difficulties.

The essential point here is that I must be mindful as a Dominant that it is my job to constantly maintain the flow of communication, to be clear about my expectations, to communicate whether those expectations were met to My satisfaction and to listen to My submissive, encouraging her to let Me know where she is mentally and emotionally and to bring any issues to My attention. There is a diligence required of the Dominant that we will see as a common thread throughout this series. But if the Dominant is diligent first and foremost about communication, many of the rest of these essentials will fall into place.