Swimmin' in de Nile...

Denial.

Get it? Sorry.

Denial is a very important concept. I got to thinking about this after watching this video. Dr. Gabrielle Hoff does really insightful interviews with a D/s or BDSM theme in her video series called "Erotic Powerplay". Here, the topic is female dominance, but the concept is universal.

A Dominant must always remember that, in any given moment of D/s interaction, it is the Dominant's desires and agenda that rule. I stress communication a lot and it is good for the submissive to communicate his or her desires, but a subbie mustn't expect the Dominant to give in. At least not right away. you subbies must respect that your Dom/me holds all the cards. That means you won't always get what you want.

In fact, Dom/mes, you have a great deal of power in saying "no." There are few things that teach an over-eager submissive their place better than denying them what they want. A lot of people might readily accept a submissive role thinking, "If I become submissive, maybe He'll spank me," or "I can finally get her to tie me up!" These kinds of a agendas put the submissive's desires before the Dominant's.

As referred to in the video, this is often called "topping from the bottom." It can be a real trap that many people fall into, but it can also indicate some subtle differences between people's tastes. Often, a person wants to be punished or disciplined and that's pretty much it. They are interested in serving the Dominant only in so much as it leads to a spanking or a flogging or some such event. Often, these people are masochists who are really misidentifying themselves (or being misidentified by others) as submissives. This is a possibility all involved must take into account early on. If you try to make a non-submissive masochist into a slave, there will be misery all around - and not the good kind, either! ;)

Of you are dealing with a real submissive, though, there is enormous power in denial. It is actually much more exciting and humbling to be denied what you want than to have it given to you. It may seem counter-intuitive to not give the sub what he/she wants when you are trying to keep them happy, but not giving in is often more gratifying to a submissive heart than whatever it is they think they so desperately desire. You must teach your subbie that Your desires rule. Your sub's desire should be first for your pleasure, your happiness. Then, Dom/mes, when you finally decide to give your little subbie what he/she wants for him/herself - Oh, what a treat! Much subbie love will abound.

So, today's Domming tip: Stay in control. Learn the power of denial. Put your subbie on a string of desire and tug them right along. If they aren't already eating out of your hand, they will be. ;)