D/s - Fixed, Flexible and Fundamental

I believe it is very important that some things be made clear early in the life of this blog. One of those things is the breadth of the concept of Dominance and submission (D/s). It's more than just BDSM. I will be talking about sexual fantasies, romantic roleplay and fetishes here. But I think it's important for us to realize that D/s dynamics permeate our lives. If we fail to realize that, then we leave the things we discuss regarding D/s and BDSM in the bedroom and miss out on what they have to offer in the rest of our lives. Here's what I mean.

All relationships involve Dominance and submission. They all include power negotiations and levels of control or influence. This happens from our earliest relationships with our parents on through to siblings, friends, teachers, pastors, enemies, bullies, bosses and co-workers.

In the beginning, we are submissive to our parents. We learn the nurturing, caring side of Dominance, the Domimant role of providing for and looking after the submissive. It is a place of security, affection and warmth. As we grow, we learn the discipline side as we are trained, corrected and encouraged in the right direction by our parents. As we mature, more responsibilities and expectations are placed on us and greater consequences result from our mistakes. Hopefully then, as we learn, we gain a greater love for and security in life from our parents' influence.

From then on, as children and on into adulthood, we form relationships based on concepts of boundaries, right and wrong, Dominance and submission, that we learn from our parents. Different relationships work out in different ways, but there are always decisions to be made about where we will go and what we will do - whose agenda will rule the moment or the day. These are negotiations of Dominance and submission that we carry out otfen without even realizing it. They manifest themselves in different ways and are more pronounced in some relationships than others. I refer to them as Fixed and Flexible.

FIXED - This is the easiest way to see and understand Dominant/submissive dynamics in our everyday lives. Certain relationships exhibit a fixed D/s structure. I call these strongly Dominant/submissive relationships. Some are this way by design and are dictated by societal expectations, tradition and formal or institutional relationships.

These include our relationships with teachers, judges, parents, employers and others who have vested authority in our lives. They also include relationships with students, waiters, employees, children and others who are under our care, financially obligated to us or in a service role of some kind. I call these D/s structures Fixed because they are clearly defined and operate on a certain set of rules and expectations. In general, power flows one way and does not alter its course. One person dictates the other's behaviour and that person is expected to submit, to serve, to listen, to obey.

Fixed D/s dynamics also show up in less formal situations. These occur simply as a natural outgrowth of the personalities involved the the relationship and the goals and desires of each person. Between two friends, there may be one who tends to abdicate to the other or one who tends to dominate the moment. Even among a group of friends, often a leader may emerge. Depending on the group or one-on-one relational dynamic, this may be seen as one person "worshiping" or "idolizing" the other. In some groups, the dominant leader may have a "lap dog," a member of the group who is particularly focused upon and "under the spell" of the leader.

Often, these relationships happen among children and teens and are very obvious and even manipulative. While these are not necessarily healthy dynamics, with one person often able to lead others against their own desires, beliefs or boundaries, they do express a natural human tendency toward the distribution of power.

They can also be quite healthy, as a child or teen finds an admirable person to emulate who has a strong positive influence. These relationships can be like mentoring relationships, often with an older and more experienced person as what I will call the Dominant friend.

This dynamic carries on (whether we admit it or not) into adulthood as we develop our social circles in much the same way we did as children and teens. This is often done less obviously as our adult selves have learned to negotiate dominance on a more subtle level. But, as we try to fit in at our local church or impress (or undermine) our new boss, we are constantly making decisions about who has the power in our lives and who we will seek to have power over.

It must be noted here that seeking to have power, authority or influence is not a bad thing. It is not always a matter of manipulation, though we often think of it in that way. Seeking to be a good influence on those around us or to take under wing someone who needs guidance are ways in which we seek to have influence. They, for the most part, are beneficial and not harmful.

How ever we experience them, fixed D/s dynamics are sprinkled throughout our lives, sometimes in relationships that we have perhaps never seen in that light before. They can of course be manipulative and even abusive. They can be less than enjoyable but necessary and they can be beneficial and loving. But they are there, no matter who or where we are.

FLEXIBLE - The flexible category may be harder to spot. It exists on a sliding scale from Flipped to Fluid.

FLEXIBLE (Flipped) - This is the simplest form of Flexible D/s. It happens when a relational dynamic shifts power completely from one person to another from time to time. In the early days of Christmas celebrations, there were large parades and parties in the streets. During this festival, often servants and Masters would switch roles for the day, allowing the underling to be in charge. It was a way of promoting peace and fun. In a similar way, some D/s relationships switch. My best example of this is lovers who incorporate D/s play into their love life. As a treat or after winning a bet or something of that nature, the woman may get to tie the man up for a change or vice versa. Or, a relationship between two "switches" (that is people with both Dominant and submissive tendencies) may incorporate occasional and carefully negotiated or spontaneous and unpredictable shifts in power. This may depend upon arranged timetables or code words or simply the prevailing moods of those involved.

We also see this dynamic in a tribal setting where the leader may be challenged by a member of the tribe to a game or a fight with the winner obtaining the leadership role in the tribe. It also happens on a team of two or more where more than one member has a plan for achieving a specific goal or for running the group. If one leader is unsuccessful, he or she may abdicate to another group member who has his or her own idea.

In all these situations and others like them, power shifts completely from one person or group to another, elevating the submissive to Dominant status or vice versa. This is usually a temporary or occasionally renegotiated arrangement, but can result in a permanent shift in power.

FLEXIBLE (Fluid) - This category has, as I mentioned, a sliding scale of power exchange. It may be as simple as teamwork in which one person's aptitudes give him or her dominance for the duration of a particular task or challenge while another person is seen as more fit to lead another challenge. Such negotiated leadership roles occur frequently in business. ("Okay, Jim. You know the structure of our presentation. You give the formal outline. I'm good at getting people fired up, so I'll do the glad-handing and take over when it's time to ask them to invest.")

As you can easily imagine, there are many levels at which Dominant and submissive roles are renegotiated, running all the way up to what most would see as an egalitarian dynamic, where no one is particularly in charge. Here, Dominance and submission happen almost moment by moment and can shift in either direction. (Either, "Hey, let's go to a movie." "Okay." Or "Hey, let's go to a movie." "Nah, I'm not really in the mood.") In an egalitarian structure, each person has the opportunity to set the agenda for the day, the moment or the conversation at any given time or to reject the other's bid for Dominance or submission.

The most counterproductive example of this type of relationship I can think of is that of the two little cartoon chipmunks who each constantly try to give deference to the other: "After you." "No, after you." "No, I insist; after you." "No, I insist; after you." And on and on it goes. Interestingly, in this example both parties are seeking to get their way, but each is trying to serve the other. That's another post entirely.

FUNDAMENTAL - The point is, whether they are Fixed or Flexible, Dominant/submissive dynamics are Fundamental to human relationships. Every day we choose to serve others or to lead others - to lead by serving or serve by leading (that's another post too). We choose to serve God or our own interests.

Ultimately, Dylan was right when he said, "You Gotta Serve Somebody." No matter what the state of our interpersonal D/s dynamics, our primary D/s relationship is with God. And He'd better be the "D". If we are submitted first to Him, we will be seeking to love others whether we are Dominant or submissive and that is the point after all, isn't it?