Letter From Sean

As I mentioned in my introductory post, I will be responding to questions here on the site as I receive them in e-mail - that is, when the sender is comfortable with it.

As I seriously doubt I have any readers at this point, it feels a bit premature to be responding to e-mails already. But, I just got a note from a friend of mine that he and I both thought would be a good impetus for a post. I'll call him Sean.

Before I get to his letter, let me give you some background on Sean. He's a submissive young man who has been serving as his Mistress' slave for nearly five years. They have a platonic relationship in that they are friends who engage in a Dominant/submissive dynamic with no romantic or sexual overtones. That may sound odd to some of you, but I can assure you it works well and suits their friendship. Anyway, here's what Sean had to say.

i'm having a problem with Mistress. Well, not a problem, really. Just a sort of concern, i guess. Things are going well in O/our friendship. She's been though some hard times lately, but i think She's doing better now. But as Her slave, i feel...a little lost. W/we've always had a fairly loose exchange, not being able to be together in person as much as we'd like. But, as often as i've tried to subtly communicate it to Her, i just don't feel that She understands that i want Her to take more control.

i feel bad even bringing this kind of stuff up because, y'know, i'm always worried about not pushing Her. But here's the thing. i just don't feel like i have to obey Her. When i disobey (which is a little too often) i'm never, ever punished. She says She's going to, but it never happens. It used to, but that's been a long time ago. i don't know, maybe She doesn't know what to do to punish me, but it just seems that I get nothing but empty threats.

Then, when i am obedient, when i am consistent in the day to day stuff, i get no response. She doesn't say anything. i'd be happy just to hear "good boy" once in a while. In person, She's totally different, noticing when i obey and commenting when i please Her. Still no punishment. i tend not to disobey in person. >wink< style="font-weight: bold;">

Sean

He wrote more, but that's the thrust of it. Sean is dealing with a problem I think many submissives face. It's hard to know when you should communicate to your Dominant that you have needs that are not being met in the relationship. And yes - it is OK to do this! A D/s relationship is still a relationship. It needs the same kind of communication and maintenence as any other relationship. A common mistake among Dominants is to treat submissives (especially slaves) as if their needs and feelings do not matter or should be suppressed. At times, yes, the subbie needs to push past their own hang-ups and just do as they are told. But, as a general rule this kind of arrangement is not healthy.

What you're missing, Sean, is a clear system of discipline and rewards. your Mistress is making Her expectations clear, but seems to have a muddled follow-through. I know you two have been Mistress and slave for a long time (and friends for longer), but being far apart most of the time means that the growth of your dynamic can become somewhat stunted as you are often unable to give it focused attention. I think your Mistress just doesn't realize how much guidance you need. I think you respond well to a firm hand - a consistent tug on the leash to keep you in line or a treat to let you know you've pleased Her.

What you're looking for, quite frankly, is attention. This is not necessarily a bad thing. If you hog Her attention, if you make it all about you and your need to be seen and heard, you do your Mistress a disservice. But you do need a certain amount of consistent attention, some fuel for your subbie fire. you're a bit like a pet in that regard, trained by way you're treated. If discipline is neglected, disobedience becomes easier. If rewards and praise words are not given, doing right seems pointless. you need to know that you are affecting Her, that your actions have an impact on Her. Otherwise, you start to feel like a weird stalker or uninteresting project.

you know your Mistress better than I and you should have some protocol in place for bringing these kinds of issues to Her. If not, that's an issue in itself. To broach the subject in the beginning, you need to respectfully request a frank audience with your Mistress and tell Her how you feel. Do not be critical. Don't give Her a list of complaints and don't tell Her how to do Her job. Just explain to Her that if you have been displeasing to Her in any way, if your service has been lax, it's probably because of this issue. Let Her know that you will accept any response She wishes to make, that you are not trying to coerce Her one way or the other, but that you want to serve Her to the best of Her ability and you are merely suggesting structures that may help you to do that. you may even need to discuss what types of discipline actions are being employed and what else might be effective.

As far as communication goes, you need the ability to have an open channel with Her. If you do not, then the two of you need to sit down together and decide on a method. Perhaps you may have a formal request phrase like, "Permission to speak freely, Mistress," or "If it pleases You, Mistress, may i express a concern?" Or, perhaps your Mistress will choose to set up a regularly scheduled time when the two of you talk about your relationship and you are free to bring up any issues you may have.

you are not wrong to have these issues. you serve your Mistress well by making Her aware of them. How is She supposed to guide and train you if She is unaware of factors affecting that guidance?

In whatever way you need to, talk to Her. Do it respectfully. Maybe just show Her this blog post, but communicate your feelings. She loves you and wants the best for you. I doubt she'll turn you down.